


the sound of your heart

by exsync



Category: CIX (Band), Park Jihoon - Fandom, Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up AU, M/M, This was in my draft for 2 years so here we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exsync/pseuds/exsync
Summary: Jinyoung wished it was the first of April.Prompted by the April 1st pineapple scene from Chungking Express.Not yet edited, it’s 3AM il do that tmr
Relationships: Bae Jinyoung & Park Jihoon, Bae Jinyoung/Park Jihoon, Kang Daniel/Park Jihoon
Kudos: 19





	the sound of your heart

On the cool spring day of April the 2nd, Jinyoung saw the end of forever. He wondered if Jihoon could hear the sound of his heart shattering in the silences between him ripping it apart. He wondered what expression the other had on his face when he handed him back all the dreams and promises they’d made the last two years. Maybe his eyes were wet, his brows knitted tight in the same, heart wrenching expression he had worn the first time they’d fought; the same, familiar expression that had tugged at Jinyoung’s heartstrings until he was on his knees, apologizing and kissing the tears away. Maybe Jihoon was hurting too. 

The more realistic side of him knew better though. Guilt may linger on the ridges of the elder’s apologetic face but it was relief that begeted it. To finally be free of the pretenses and obligations he’d shouldered and kept to himself for god knows how long. To let go of a relationship he no longer wished to be a part of. 

Whatever it was he gave away, Jinyoung would never know; the wetness in his own eyes blurred his vision too much. (he dared not blink it away.)

“I’m sorry.” Jihoon’s voice sounded small and uncertain, and so unlike the Park Jihoon he knew. There was no anger left, no fight, yet somehow that was worse. 

“Jihoon please...” 

He hated how thick his voice came out. In that frame of utter desperation though, it was difficult to dismay over how pathetic he looked in front of the other. If throwing away what little pride he had left would mean Park Jihoon may stay, the choice was easy. 

“Tell me what’s wrong. We can talk.We can sort it out..like always.”

His tongue felt thick in his mouth, and the tightness in his chest was making it hard for him to breathe, but he needed Jihoon to see his sincerity, see the hope he still had for them. So he forced himself to look up, forced himself to stare straight into the same alluring eyes he’d fallen in love with two winters ago. 

Straight into vacant eyes that no longer gleamed of love nor affection. 

His own pathetic reflection in Jihoon’s pity filled eyes stared back. So there was more than one way a human can ache in heartbreak after all. His eyes flickered down and the tears he had been holding in trickled pathetically down his sullen cheeks. 

“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s just… we’ve tried, Jinyoung. We’ve tried so hard.” 

“I can try harder! I’ll do the work. Just stay here. Just stay as you are. I’ll work harder. I’ll meet you where you want me to be..”

Jihoon exhaled. 

“A relationship takes two, Jinyoung.” 

Jinyoung swallowed the painful lump in his throat.   
  
  


_If a relationship takes two, then why does it only take one to end it?_

“I care about you, you know that,” Jihoon started, and though his voice sounded genuine, he was shifting back, putting space between them. “And I know you care about me too.”

“That’s why, Jinyoung, we need to let this go. You and I, both.” Jihoon’s eyes flickered up to meet his gaze and Jinyoung’s heart squeezed in his chest. _Pity._ He hated Jihoon’s pity the most.

In retrospect Jinyoung should’ve saved himself that last bit of agony and walked away when Jihoon did. He should’ve learned to let go like Jihoon had asked, kept his last shred of pride. Yet like the petulant child Jihoon had once compared him to, he stubbornly clung on. 

The warm hand that circled Jihoon’s arm stopped him in his track and he took in a shuddering breath. He did not turn around, but Jinyoung knew he was listening, waiting for him to say his part so he could walk away clean. Jinyoung’s heart thrummed in his chest, and his voice sounded more broken than he had expected it to come out.

”I...” 

Blank.  
  


  
He was suddenly out of words. Everything that was building up at the back of his throat had disappeared, his brain a vessel of white noise despite the myriad of thoughts bouncing off it just prior. 

What could he possibly say? Or rather, what was even significant enough in the plethora of things he wanted to tell the other? 

_Thank you for the past years?  
_

_You’ve broken our promises.  
_

_I hope you’ll be happy._

_I fucking hate you._

_I’m sorry for everything._

_I’m still so in love_ _with you._

It all felt so wrong, he wanted to scream, yet all he could muster were pathetic whimpers, it was as if his body had broken down alongside his heart. 

His body reacted before his mind did. Perhaps Jihoon hated this childish part of him, but Jihoon probably already hated him anyway, one last selfish act wouldn’t change that. So he stepped closer and clung onto Jihoon, pressing his forehead to the other’s shoulder, the same way he had done so many times before, when their world was rosey. The same way he did when he was having a bad day. Jihoon used to always laugh when he did this, and complain about it tickling when Jinyoung started to nuzzle against his neck. He would grumble yet never push him off, and then with feigned annoyance still at the tip of his tongue, he would bring a hand up to stroke the younger’s hair. Gentle caresses that to Jinyoung, felt like home. That was a few forevers ago though, and they hadn’t been like that in a long time. Jinyoung clenched his eyes shut. 

_  
Where did I go wrong?_

The Jihoon now was anything but smiles. His affections changed, what little love he had drained. The gestures that he had found cute once upon a time were probably an annoyance now. Yet right there where Jinyoung could not see his expression, right there with Jihoon’s familiar frame and distinct scent, he was in all essence, still his Jihoon. So he clung on tighter and allowed himself to be comforted by the physical presence of the man he loved, allowed himself to savour the warmth, because if this was really it, if this was their last, he wanted to take it all in. 

“Hyung.” 

He could feel Jihoon tense at the use of the forgone word of formality. 

“I really … love you, you know?”

Jihoon brought a hand up and for a second Jinyoung’s heart jumped to his throat. Like he always did when Jinyoung had had a bad day, the elder patted his head. A gentle gesture that he must’ve thought would comfort and lessen the pain. It did quite the opposite really. For it lit up a flame of hope in Jinyoung that was quickly stamped out not a minute later when Jihoon pulled his arm away. 

“I did too, Jinyoung.” 

Somehow that hurt more.

When Jihoon made to leave this time, Jinyoung didn’t try to stop him. 

Staring at the elder’s back getting further, the too familiar curves of his shoulder, Jinyoung wondered if it was really this easy to walk yourself out of someone’s life. To simply take everything and walk out as if it hadn’t happened. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it if it were him. But that was his sin; his entire fault, for being the one who loved more. 

Jihoon left with the harrowing breeze of spring; and Jinyoung hid the broken pieces of his heart beneath the fallen cherry blossoms staining the park. How ironic it was that the place he first set eyes on the older would be the very place he would watch him slip away. He forced on a smile, stretched too thin to ever be genuine, and frankly desultory for the other male never looked back. 

Somehow it all seemed too surreal, almost comical. Jinyoung couldn’t tear his gaze away from the retreating figure of the man he’d gambled his heart for, and when the day faded into darkness, and nights slipped into weeks, Jinyoung had already forgotten he was supposed to forget Park Jihoon. 

Somehow, convincing himself it was an April’s fool joke done a day too late was more feasible than acknowledging the man he wanted a happy ever after with had simply _fallen out of love._ He spent the rest of April awaiting the salvatious sound of a call, a text, anything— yet only silence greeted, and it was the silence he drowned himself in. 

They said time would heal. They clearly had never met Park Jihoon. Stretching out the inevitable merely gave space for doubt to grow, for anger to consume, and for denial to delude; Jinyoung found it all out too late. 

—-

In May, Jinyoung found out Jihoon was dating a guy from work. Daehwi had accidentally let it slipped. On any other occasion he would not even think of doubting Daehwi’s credibility as a gossip source, but it was Jihoon, _his Jihoon_ and there was _no way…_

Jihoon’s profile was private but Jihoon’s friend Woojin was not. It took him a mere 5 minutes of scouring through social media to find Kang Daniel.

_Had Daniel been the stake that drove them apart?_

Jinyoung had never understood the expression, “seeing red”, yet red was all he saw when he flung their framed photo at the wall. If Jihoon was a colour he would be red. For the colour of his lips and his scarlet tinted cheeks, for the passion he imbued when they loved, and the rage he was able to induce by being a cheating whore. Like the pieces of glass littering the floor, Jinyoung momentarily wished Jihoon’s smile would shatter the same way. 

But the boy continued to smile cheerily from behind the broken frame, a ghost of the past captured in time, and Jinyoung could not bring himself to rip the damn picture apart. Instead he found himself salvaging it from its glass ruins. The thought of ridding himself, even a little, of Jihoon set alight a panic in his chest that they had never existed. 

The flame never got time to grow. After a distraught, frenzied phone call, Daehwi broke the news that Kang Daniel was a new employee. He had only arrived 2 weeks ago from Busan, and whatever it was Jinyoung was thinking, it wasn’t true. Jinyoung hung up on Daehwi even though he knew he didn’t deserve it. Afterall, Daehwi had only been telling the truth. Yet somehow along the way, he had squandered the only purpose Jinyoung had and left him with nothing. Daehwi had robbed him off a reason to meet Park Jihoon again. 

So like the miserable fuck he was, he did the only thing he could, and took it back to the internet. Kang Daniel was tall and handsome. He wore a wide smile that shone bright even through the screen. Jinyoung thought it might be attributed to having such a beautiful boy in his arms because he once wore a smile like that too. Reluctantly, his eyes slid over to the familiar figure wrapped in Kang Daniel’s embrace. Jihoon’s hair was shorter than before and he’d dyed it blonde, Jinyoung noted. He had a hand on the taller man’s arm, and his head was thrown back in a laugh that revealed all his teeth. Jinyoung briefly wondered if Jihoon had ever laughed like that when they were together. Had he hindered Jihoon’s happiness this much? With his saturnine nature and humdrum routines, had he deterred Jihoon’s radiance? His heart clenched behind his ribs. Jinyoung wished he could meet Kang Daniel. Then he would ask him what he did to bring forth a smile like that. 

—

He had not expected his wish to come true the way it did. On a cloudy Sunday. Jinyoung ran into Jihoon and his new lover. In front of a 7/11 of all places with Jinyoung looking like a fuckwit. He could see Jihoon hesitating a beat before he called out.

“Jinyoung? Hey, how have you been?” 

Jihoon’s voice was still so familiar, deep and pleasant. Jinyoung’s heart thudded in his chest, his body frozen to its spot. Daniel at Jihoon’s side also paused, his eyes scanning Jinyoung. 

“I’ve been… good.” Jinyoung managed, forcing a wonky smile onto his face, “What about you?” 

“I’m really glad to hear that! I’ve also been great,” Jihoon chirped. “Oh this is Daniel. Daniel, Jinyoung. A friend of mine.” 

  
_Friend._

  
It was like a punch to the stomach and he almost laughed at how ridiculous the situation was.

Daniel beamed and extended a hand forward, right on cue. “Hey man. Nice to meet you! Great selection you got there by the way. That’s my fave too!” 

Jinyoung glanced down at the cup of seafood ramen in his hand and then again at Daniel’s outstretched hand. The Rolex watch on the other’s wrist gleamed and Jinyoung had never felt more small. He shifted pathetically in his worn slippers before reaching a hand out to return the greeting.

“Yeah, nice meeting you too.” 

Daniel’s grip was firm, professional, and yet his demeanour remained friendly. Jinyoung found it difficult to really hate him. Especially when it was so much easier to hate himself. 

He could see Jihoon glancing at him nervously. He supposed the elder had never told Daniel about them. A bitter laugh escaped his throat before he could stop it. 

“You guys look great together,” he said, his eyes meeting Jihoon’s for the first time that evening. “Really great.”

“Thanks!” Daniel grinned.

Next to him Jihoon stiffened noticeably, and Daniel must’ve noticed for he gives his shoulder a little squeeze, as if to ask him if he’s alright. Jihoon nodded, affirming with a small smile. It was like they were living in their own word and Jinyoung was watching from the window outside. He wanted to vomit. 

“I’m gonna get going. I don’t feel too good.” And he really didn’t. By the time he reached home he was numb and trembling, the little cup of ramen in his arms gripped to oblivion. 

That day Jinyoung locked the broken shards of his heart away in the bottom drawer of his desk, along with every shred of Jihoon he had left. Reality was cold and brisk, like a wet slap to the cheek. The sting was a refreshing change. He had spent so long seeking the warmth being in love gave, when really what he needed was to slip into the numbing cold; make peace with the silence echoing in his brain, and accept that hollowness in his stomach as a part of him. 

Loaded with melatonin pills and drugged vacuity he stopped dreaming of bright eyes and dewy cheek; ended his poignant pursuit of the past and allowed the ghost of a better yesterday to slip through the cracks of his fingers. That day the tale of true love lost another believer. 


End file.
